How To Set Boundaries With Your Ex (even if you share kids)

Setting Healthy Boundaries With Your Ex to Reduce Stress and Conflict

Divorce makes you want to hold on to any scrap of normalcy. You’re exhausted, your kids are watching, and suddenly all those tidy rules about boundaries feel impossible. You want to be the rock star parent who makes everything feel okay — even though nothing feels okay for you. But here’s the truth: boundaries are exactly what keep you from losing yourself in the chaos.

You don’t need permission to protect your energy — especially from your ex.

Whether you're co-parenting, navigating shared assets, or just trying to move on, boundaries are the key to your peace. But how do you actually set them when emotions are high and communication is tricky?

1. Get Clear on What You Actually Need

You can’t set boundaries if you don’t know what your limits are. Do you need less contact? More consistency? Specific topics to be off-limits? Start there.

I remember realizing that I wasn’t really angry about all the communication — I was angry about being pulled into conversations at 11 p.m. when I was drained. Once I named that, I could set a rule for myself: no late-night texting. Knowing your specific needs gives you clarity and power.

2. Communicate in Writing When Possible

Email or text keeps a record. It also gives you time to think before responding — a lifesaver when things get heated.

I can’t tell you how many times I regretted firing off a quick reply in frustration. Writing gives you space to breathe — and sometimes that pause saves you from saying something you can’t take back.

3. Use Business-Like Language

Pretend your ex is a coworker you barely like. Stay factual. No emotion. No drama. Just the facts.

Example: “Please remember the drop-off time is 3 p.m. Let me know if you’re running late.”

4. Don’t Explain Yourself

“No” is a complete sentence. You don’t owe your ex an explanation for every decision — especially those that protect your time, space, and mental health.

This one was the hardest for me. I felt like if I didn’t explain myself, he’d twist the story. But eventually I realized that every extra word was just fuel for the fire. Protecting your peace means trusting that you don’t have to defend it.

5. Enforce the Boundary

A boundary without follow-through is just a wish. If your ex pushes past a limit, don’t argue. Repeat your boundary and disengage.