When Your Ex Withholds Information: Why They Do It and How to Stay Calm
It’s Not About Communication - It’s About Control, Insecurity, and Fear
If you’ve ever had to chase down the simplest details - Where are the kids going on vacation? Did you sign them up for soccer? Are you really moving again? - You know the frustration that comes with your ex won’t give you a straight answer.
It’s not that you’re being controlling or nosy. You’re just trying to stay informed about your own children’s’ lives. But some exes turn even basic questions into a tug-of-war for control.
When this happens, it’s not about the information at all. It’s about control, insecurity, and fear - and understanding that makes it easier not to lose your peace.
Here are the three main reasons your ex withholds information - and how to recognize what’s really going on beneath it all.
To Feel In Control
Often, your child’s other parent isn’t the one doing the day-to-day parenting. You know — the behind-the-scenes, time-consuming, thankless stuff.
The mom stuff: making the doctor’s appointments, picking up vitamins, signing up for sports, going to parent-teacher nights, replacing outgrown clothes, adding every activity to the calendar. The list never ends.
Your ex knows they’re not doing those things - and deep down, they’re ashamed of that. When they see you quietly managing 95% of the parenting load even with 50/50 custody, it bruises their ego.
So they look for scraps of power. Withholding information becomes one of them. It’s their way of feeling relevant - like they have something you need.
But you don’t. This isn’t about you being “difficult.” It’s about your ex trying to feel capable when they know they’re not showing up the way you rare. Their behavior isn’t about communication; it’s about control. Once you see that clearly, it loses its grip on you.
2. Because They’re Intimidated
You were hit hard - really hard - by the divorce. You grieved, you regrouped, and you kept going because someone had to keep life steady for the kids. You didn’t have the luxury of checking out or reinventing yourself. You healed while keeping everyone else afloat.
And now, you have your footing again. You’ve done the work, found your balance, and built a calm, steady life. You’ve moved forward.
That scares the hell out of your ex.
Your stability makes them feel small, so they look for ways to shake your confidence. They convince themselves that if they withhold information - about plans, logistics, or decisions - you’ll somehow need them again.
But it doesn’t work. You’ve already proven that you can manage without them. Their silence only highlights what you’ve known all along: you’re capable, grounded, and whole on your own.
3. To Villainize or Gaslight you
Sometimes an ex withholds information just to make you tie villain - to twist your concern into control.
Maybe you ask about the kids’ sleeping arrangements at your ex’s new partner’s house, or you’re trying to understand why your kids come home anxious or overtired. You’re simply trying to help them feel safe and secure.
But instead of cooperation, you get accusations:
“You just want to use this against me!.” Or “You’re only asking to try and take me back to court!”
It’s maddening - because you’re parenting, not prying. Yet to someone who’s built a story where you’re the problem, every question feels like a threat.
These exes are usually so self-absorbed that it never crosses their mind you’re not interested in their personal life - only the kids’ well-being. The back-and-forth with someone like this is exhausting and pointless.
When you’re dealing with a villainizer, the best thing you can do is limit engagement, document calmly, and keep your energy focused on your children. Your steadiness will speak louder than any accusation ever could.
So What Do You Do in These Situations?
When your ex withholds information pause and ask yourself:
Is this information absolutely necessary for me to know — or would it just be helpful so I can stay organized and consistent?
If it’s just helpful, let it go.
Your kids see the difference between homes. They learn what stability feels like — and they’ll find it with you. You can’t fix their other parent’s chaos, but you can model calm acceptance.
Act like it’s not a big deal to not know every detail. When you stay steady, your kids learn how to stay steady too.
And for the small stuff? Skip the drama. Call the doctor’s office yourself to confirm the appointment. It’s faster, easier, and far more peaceful than trying to pry an answer from someone whose only goal is to make you feel wrong for even asking.
You don’t need that. You never did.
