Divorce, Neurodivergence, and the Cost of Moving Too Fast
Last month, I wrote about how overwhelming the divorce process can be, particularly for people with ADHD, dyslexia, and other neurodivergent challenges. But there's another side to this that I want to talk about.
Not everyone freezes when they're overwhelmed. Some of us do exactly the opposite. We charge ahead. And sometimes, that can create just as many problems as not getting started at all.
When I went through my divorce, I charged at it like a bull at a matador. And much like the bull, I suffered the consequences.
I have ADHD and dyslexia, and while I can't say that either was entirely responsible for how I approached my divorce, I can certainly recognize some familiar patterns looking back. I wanted to get things done. I wanted to move forward. And I thought the best way to accomplish that was to do everything my attorney told me to do as quickly as possible.
I didn't stop to understand the entire process. I didn't organize myself. And I didn't always question whether the actions I was taking were necessary or helpful. I thought I was being productive. It wasn't until my divorce was over that I realized how much my approach had cost me.
ADHD Doesn’t Always Look Like Procrastination
When people talk about ADHD and overwhelming tasks, the conversation often focuses on procrastination, avoidance, and difficulty getting started. And those are very real challenges.
But ADHD can also look quite different. Sometimes, instead of avoiding a complicated situation, you throw yourself into it. You become intensely focused on solving the problem. You want answers immediately. You start making calls, sending emails, gathering information, and taking action.
And because you're getting things done, it feels productive. But being busy and making progress aren't always the same thing. Especially when you don't fully understand the process you're trying to navigate.
For some people with ADHD, urgency can make it easier to jump into action. But urgency doesn't necessarily make it easier to prioritize, evaluate consequences, or recognize when it's time to slow down. And divorce is certainly a situation where those things matter.
I Thought I Was Doing Everything Right
Here's the thing. I didn't realize I was approaching my divorce the wrong way until it was over.
At the time, I thought I was doing everything right. I had hired an attorney. I was following her advice. And whenever I was told something needed to be done, I did it as quickly as possible.
Wasn't that what I was supposed to do?
I assumed that the faster I completed each task, the faster I would get through the divorce. But looking back, I realize that I rarely stopped to ask why I was doing something, whether it was necessary, or whether there was a better way to approach it.
For example, my attorney recommended that I change the locks on my house after my husband moved out. Mind you, he'd moved out entirely on his own, before I'd even filed for divorce.
I remember questioning whether changing the locks was really necessary or helpful. But I was paying an attorney for advice, so I assumed I should follow it. I actually thought she was recommending it because it would somehow help my case.
So I changed the locks. And what did that accomplish?
As far as I could tell, absolutely nothing. Except that I ended up with mismatched doorknobs throughout my house. Not exactly the legal advantage I thought I was gaining.
Looking back, I wish I'd simply asked her why she thought it was necessary. Because here's something I didn't understand at the time.
You don’t have to do automatically do everything your attorney suggests
Your attorney is there to advise you, explain your legal options, and help you understand the potential consequences of your decisions. But there's a difference between a legal requirement and a recommendation.
You can ask questions. You can ask what a particular action will accomplish. You can ask whether there are alternatives. And you can explain why you don't think a recommendation makes sense for your situation.
Of course, court orders, legal obligations, and deadlines are different. Those aren't things you can simply choose to ignore. But I didn't understand that distinction. I treated every recommendation as another task I needed to complete as quickly as possible. Do what the attorney says. Do it quickly. Move on to the next thing.
And that's how I approached much of my divorce. It wasn't until afterward, when I looked back at the process and the amount I'd spent on legal fees, that I began to understand how much my approach had cost me.
Divorce is Not a Process You Want to Figure Out as You Go
Here's something I didn't appreciate when I started my divorce. There is an order to things.
There are documents to gather, financial decisions to consider, deadlines to understand, and agreements to work through. And many of those steps are connected. What you do early in the process can affect what happens later. When you don't understand that, it's easy to spend time and money addressing things that could have been handled differently with a little preparation. You might contact your attorney every time a new question comes to mind. You might provide information in bits and pieces instead of organizing it beforehand. You might spend time discussing an issue before you've gathered the information needed to make a decision.
And every one of those interactions can add to your legal bill. I know because I lived it.
The Difference Between Taking Action and Making Progress
I don't regret taking action. I regret not having a plan. There's a difference.
I wish I'd understood which parts of the divorce process required legal expertise and which parts were administrative tasks I could have handled myself. I wish I'd known what information my attorney would eventually need so I could have gathered and organized it in advance.
And I wish someone had explained the overall process to me before I started making decisions. Because when you understand what's coming, you can prepare for it. And when you're prepared, you can use your attorney's time more effectively.
That doesn't mean you won't need legal guidance. Divorce involves important legal and financial decisions which often require professionals. But there's a big difference between paying an attorney for legal expertise and paying an attorney while you try to figure out what paperwork you need to find.
What I Would Do Differently
If I were starting the divorce process today, I would approach it very differently.
Before doing anything else, I would want to understand the steps involved. Not every possible detail. Just the overall process. What happens first? What comes next? What information will I need? What decisions should I be preparing to make?
Then I would start organizing. Financial documents in one place. Questions for my attorney in another. A list of outstanding tasks and deadlines. And rather than trying to tackle everything at once, I would break the process into manageable pieces.
For someone with ADHD, that structure can be especially valuable. It provides a way to channel the energy and determination into productive action without constantly having to figure out what to do next.
And I'd add one more thing.
Before acting on a recommendation, I'd make sure I understood why I was doing it.
You Can Be Determined and Still Need Direction
One of the things I've learned about ADHD is that it doesn't always prevent you from getting things done. Sometimes, it can make you so focused on getting something done that you forget to stop and consider whether you're approaching it the right way.
And divorce is not an inexpensive place to learn that lesson.
If you're someone who tends to charge ahead, I'm not suggesting you need to lose that determination. I'm suggesting you give it some direction. Understand the process. Make a plan. Get organized. Then charge ahead.
Why I Started Plan For Divorce
My experience is a big part of why I started Plan For Divorce. I know what it's like to go through a divorce without understanding the process. I know how quickly legal fees can add up when you're unprepared. And I know how much easier things could have been if someone had helped me understand the administrative side of divorce before I jumped in.
That's what I want to help other people avoid.
Whether you're someone who can't figure out where to begin or someone who's already charging ahead without a plan, having a clear understanding of the process can make an enormous difference.
You don't need to figure everything out yourself. And you don't need to pay an attorney to help you organize every piece of paperwork. Sometimes, what you need most is someone to help you understand the road ahead.
Before You Take the Next Step
If you're someone who tends to charge ahead when faced with a difficult situation, I'm not suggesting you need to change that part of yourself. Determination can be a wonderful thing.
But determination without direction can be costly, especially during divorce.
One of the things I wish I'd had during my own divorce was a simple way to stop and evaluate what I was doing before jumping into the next task.
That's why I've created the Before You Take Action Checklist.
It's a one-page resource designed to help you ask the right questions before taking the next step in your divorce. Whether you're following a recommendation from your attorney, preparing to make a financial decision, or trying to figure out what needs to happen next, it can help you approach the situation with a little more clarity.
Because sometimes the smartest thing you can do is slow down long enough to understand where you're going.
