Halloween After Divorce: When It’s Not Your Night

Sometimes loving your kids means letting them have their Halloween without you.

I loved Halloween. It’s always been my favorite holiday. From the early years of getting an obscene amount of candy, to the teen years of relishing the freedom of being someone else for the night, to my twenties and beyond, going to parties dressed up in costumes I hoped my parents would never see.

But I was also an anxious kid, so loving Halloween came with a whole lot of stress and worry.

What was I going to be? Would my costume look how I wanted it to? Who would I go with? What time would we leave? Would I get the candy I wanted?

Then I got older, and there were different things to worry about. Did I have friends to go with? Were we dressing up together? Was I going to be excluded? Would the night be all I expected?

The worries were endless. And this from a kid who absolutely loved this holiday.

When I became a parent, I found a whole new reason to love Halloween. I got to pick out costumes, help the kids carve pumpkins, take my little cherubs around to friends’ and relatives’ houses to show them off. And I got to watch them discover the fun and magic of a holiday I’d always loved. It became something I looked forward to in a completely different way.

Then you get divorced, and it all goes up in smoke. Well not really, but it sure feels that way. I had moments when I felt robbed. There were things I had pictured doing with my kids, things I loved about being their mom, that I was now going to miss.

That feeling was/is valid. But it was also about me. I felt robbed of an experience. My kids had their own Halloween to experience, and I had to be careful about how much of my disappointment came along with them.

Because Halloween is already a lot for a kid. Some love it. Some are nervous. Some don’t like it at all. There are school celebrations and costume expectations, and some kids don’t celebrate. When they’re teens, they may be wondering whether they even have plans. Maybe they made plans and someone canceled. Maybe their parents want them to go with their cousins, but they want to go with their friends.

There’s plenty going on without also having to worry about whether Mom or Dad is having a good night. I'm not implying that your kids are sitting there thinking, “How can I make sure my parents enjoy Halloween?” But they are aware. They know us best. They read our faces, our tone, our eyes. They know when we’re disappointed. They can feel when something that’s supposed to be fun has become tense.

So what do you do when Halloween isn’t going to look the way you wanted it to? Honestly, I don’t have one neat answer. There are so many different situations. But I think you have to start with what you know. And that's the arrangement you and your ex actually agreed to during the divorce. 

Maybe it’s two hours at one house and two at the other. Maybe you go together. Maybe you alternate years.

And if it’s not your night, know it’s not your night. That’s a hard thing to accept when you really want to be part of it. But accepting it gives you somewhere to start. You can ask the other parent if you can see the kids in their costumes. Of course you can ask. You just have to be prepared for an answer you may not like. Know that you are not in control of this, and don't try to force it.

If you’ve always been the costume person, this is going to be especially hard. You’re going to want to know what’s happening. It will be hard not to badger the other parent with questions. Have you taken them to get costumes? Are you making something? What’s the plan? Do you even know what time trick-or-treating starts in your neighborhood? Do they have costumes packed for the school party?

Some of that may be a practical concern. Some of it may be that you’ve always done this, and now you don’t get to. Those things can get tangled up pretty quickly.

And you may really dislike how the other parent does it. Maybe it’s nothing like how you used to do Halloween. Maybe something you put so much thought into is barely on their radar. That sucks. I know that feeling.

My kids’ first Christmas with their dad, he was still wrapping and putting out presents in the morning when my youngest was already awake. I was so pissed. The whole magic, to me, was waking up to the gifts Santa had left. And there he was, still putting them out. I felt like he had ruined it. But it was out of my control.

I’m telling you this because I’m not going to sit here and pretend it’s easy to watch someone handle a moment you treasured in a way you would never have handled it. It can be upsetting. You can be angry. You can think, How could you not have done that last night?

But we have to find somewhere for those feelings to go without handing them to our kids. They shouldn’t have to agree that the holiday was ruined. They shouldn’t have to worry that telling us they had fun will hurt our feelings.

With Halloween, maybe there’s something practical you can do that helps you stop worrying. If you’re concerned there won’t be a costume, you could quietly have a backup available. Quietly is the important part. Your kid doesn’t need to hear, “Well, I got you this one in case you don’t like what Dad gets.” Now they have another thing to navigate. Another person they might disappoint. Just have it if that makes sense for your situation. If it’s four o’clock on Halloween and you get a text saying, “We don’t have a costume,” you can say, “I’ve got one. Be right there.”

It probably won’t be the moment you imagined. But you helped, and your kid gets to go have their night.

You can also think about what you actually enjoy most about Halloween. Is it dressing them up? Trick-or-treating? Sorting through the candy? Walking around the neighborhood with your friends and everybody’s kids? There may be another chance to do some of those things. Trick-or-treating town events the weekend before. A community Halloween party. Something your child would enjoy doing with you.

But—and this is where I think we can get carried away—you don’t necessarily need to create a whole new tradition to make up for every experience you miss. One Halloween at Mom’s. One at Dad’s. Two costumes. Two parties Another special thing. That’s a lot. And sometimes all that effort to make it wonderful can leave a kid feeling like they’re responsible for making sure everybody gets their Halloween. If there’s another activity you both want to do, great. Do it. But you don’t have to recreate the whole holiday. 

Maybe the candy stays at the other house and you don’t get to sort through it this year. Maybe your friends are all walking around the neighborhood with their kids, and yours won’t be there. You’re going to miss it. And that stinks. Your experience as a parent changed in a way you didn’t want. You’re allowed to be sad about that. But you don’t have to immediately come up with some wonderful replacement.

Halloween can mean so much. I know it did to me. But it can also just be a few hours when your kid runs around in a costume and gets some candy. Depending on your situation, you may need to let it be that this year.

Your kids will have their own memories of Halloween. You can’t control every part of the night, but you can give them room to enjoy it without worrying about you. To tell you about their night without checking whether you look sad. To say they had fun without feeling like they’re letting you down.

That may not be the Halloween experience you wanted. I know. And if this year means sitting it out, that’s hard.

Hold on. Find your strength.

Do that for them.