When Divorce Feels Too Big To Start

Divorce, One Step at a Time: Practical support for ADHD, dyslexia and overwhelm

As a dyslexic, I can tell you there are some very specific things that can go wrong when you're filing for divorce.

You read a 6 as a 9. You misunderstand an instruction. You think something needs to be submitted by one date when it's actually another. You don't realize a document needs to be notarized or that three other documents need to be included with it.

And here's the kicker: if your dyslexia is the reason you read something incorrectly the first time, there's a pretty good chance that when you go back to double-check your work, you'll read it exactly the same way again. “Double-check your work” isn't always enough.

And divorce involves a ridiculous amount of work to double-check. The process is filled with forms, financial documents, deadlines, instructions and different submission requirements. Some things need to be notarized. Some need to be mailed. Others can be submitted electronically. There are court dates, attorney emails, financial statements and documents that need to be collected from seemingly everywhere.

It's confusing and difficult to navigate even for an incredibly organized person. Now add dyslexia or ADHD, and you've got something so daunting it can seem impossible to even start.

When the Process Is So Big You Can't Start

Think about some of the things you're asked to do during a divorce. Gather your bank statements. Find your tax returns and W-2s. Know your mortgage interest rate, loan account number and maturity date. Find your retirement and investment statements. Figure out what you and your spouse have for credit card debt — how many cards, what's owed on each, and what you're paying per month.

Then figure out your entire annual spending. Now break some of that spending down weekly. How much do you spend on your children's clothes and shoes per week? Who knows that?

For someone with ADHD, a list like this can become so enormous that you don't know where to start. So you don't start.

That's the paralysis that can come from overwhelm. It's not that you don't understand that these things are important. The entire project feels monstrous, and you can't separate that monster into small enough pieces to figure out what to do first.

Meanwhile, the emails keep coming. There are more forms, another deadline, something else your attorney needs. Now you're behind, which makes the project feel even bigger.

Make the Task Smaller Than the Overwhelm

“Get organized” isn't particularly helpful advice when organization is the very thing you're struggling with. Make the task smaller instead.

Don't put Gather Financial Documents on your list. Today, download your checking-account statements. That's it. Tomorrow, find your W-2.

If you need to complete a financial statement, don't sit down intending to complete the entire financial statement. Today, figure out housing expenses. Tomorrow, utilities. Saturday, tackle what you spend on the kids.

Break the project down until the next task feels small enough that you can actually start it.

But What If You Can't Even Figure Out How to Make It Smaller?

This is important because if you're already completely overwhelmed, being told to “break it into smaller tasks” may not help at all. Figuring out how to break down the giant task is another task. And you may be just as frozen by that one.

So don't do it alone.

Find someone who can help you turn the monster into a list of tiny things. It could be a trusted friend, family member, divorce coach, therapist, or simply someone who is really good at organizing information.

You don't need them to do your divorce for you, and you don't need their opinion about what you should agree to or what decisions you should make. You need help figuring out what to do next.

Instead of saying, “I have to get all my financial information together,” sit down with someone and turn it into something much smaller: Log into your checking account. Download January through December statements. Save them all in one folder. Stop.

That's one task.

And don't immediately move on to retirement accounts, credit cards, taxes and household expenses because you're finally being productive. You finished the task. It's okay to stop.

If even that feels like too much, make it smaller. Maybe today's entire divorce task is finding the password for your bank account.

That's progress.

The goal isn't to see how much divorce work you can force yourself to accomplish in one sitting. The goal is to keep the process moving without becoming so overwhelmed that you shut down completely.

If you're staring at something and genuinely don't know how to break it apart, ask someone else to do that part with you. Borrow their organizational brain for an hour, and then work through the little pieces one at a time.

But What If They Don't Know the Divorce Process Either?

They don't have to.

Tell them what county your divorce is in and start with the official Family Court website for that court. Don't ask your friend to Google “how to get divorced” and figure out your entire divorce. Give them one job: find the court's instructions for the particular thing you're trying to accomplish.

Then sit down together and turn those instructions into individual tasks. If the instructions say you need a particular form, a certified copy of another document, a filing fee and service on the other party, those are not one task. Those are separate tasks. Write them down separately. Now you have somewhere to start.

And use the court itself as a resource.

Check when your court's clerk or register's office is open to the public, and go in person if you can. The people working there (I'll call them court staff, although their titles vary by court) can be a huge resource.

Be kind, clear and honest about what you don't understand. Court staff generally can't give you legal advice or tell you what you should do, but they can often help you understand court procedures, filing requirements, available forms and where to find information.

Don't arrive expecting someone to explain your entire divorce to you. Bring a few specific questions. Write the answers down. Say thank you. Say thank you a lot! Then go home, work through those pieces and come back another day if you have more questions.

I got to know one of the people in my own court this way. Through a few little conversations, we discovered we'd gone to the same college. We talked about the dorms we'd lived in and the bands that played our spring concerts. I became a person he recognized instead of just another face standing at the counter.

That relationship made a difference to me. Not because he bent rules for me or gave me legal advice. He didn't. But navigating an unfamiliar court process felt a whole lot less intimidating when I knew there was a familiar, helpful person on the other side of that counter.

And when you're already overwhelmed, making the process feel even a little less intimidating matters.

Look for Free Help in Your Community, Too

Your court isn't the only place to ask for help. Check with your town or city hall and ask what free legal resources are available to residents. Some communities have programs where an attorney is available periodically at no charge to answer basic legal questions or help people understand forms.

Also check your local library, courthouse, local or state bar association, and legal-aid organizations. Depending on where you live, you may find free legal clinics, lawyer-for-a-day programs or other resources for people representing themselves.

You don't have to show up asking, “How do I get divorced?” Go with something manageable: “I'm trying to complete this form and I have three questions.” Or, “These are the filing instructions. Can you help me understand what this part means?”

Again, make the ask smaller.

You may not get everything figured out in one visit. That's okay. Get the answers you need for the next few steps, go home and do those. Then figure out what you need help with next.

If You're Dyslexic, Don't Just “Check It Again”

This is one I've learned from experience. If something is important, having another person check it can be incredibly helpful. But don't simply hand someone your divorce paperwork and say, “Can you look this over?”

Tell them exactly what you need checked.

You're not looking for their opinion about your divorce, and you're not asking them to give you legal advice. You're asking them to independently read the instructions and confirm that you've followed them correctly.

Ask them to verify things like: Is this the correct form? What is the filing deadline? Where does it need to go? How does it need to be submitted? What other documents need to be included? Does anything need to be notarized? Is there a filing fee? Are there any other instructions you may have missed?

Give the person helping you a specific verification job.

And when dates are important, don't rely on your brain to keep them straight. Put them in your calendar. Add reminders. Have someone independently confirm particularly important deadlines.

ADHD Can Make the Emotional Part Harder, Too

Divorce doesn't just give you paperwork. It gives you paperwork while you're probably experiencing one of the most stressful periods of your life. You're trying to organize documents while you're angry, grieving, scared, parenting, working and trying to figure out what your future is going to look like.

ADHD can make prioritizing, starting tasks, keeping track of information and managing time harder. Add enormous stress to that, and things that were already difficult can feel almost impossible.

You may find yourself avoiding the email you know you need to open or the form you know you need to complete because just thinking about it makes you anxious. Avoiding it makes you feel better for a minute. But tomorrow there are two emails, the deadline is closer, and the anxiety is bigger.

That's why making things smaller matters so much.

Build a Divorce Process That Works With Your Brain

You don't need to suddenly become a different kind of thinker because you're getting divorced.

If long written instructions are difficult for you, find another way to verify them. If ten tasks on a list leave you unable to start, make a list with one task. If you can't figure out how to turn the giant task into little ones, ask someone to help you do that part. If you forget dates, don't rely on remembering them. If a giant financial form overwhelms you, don't complete a giant financial form. Complete one section.

Use calendars, reminders, checklists, text-to-speech, another set of eyes, or another person's organizational brain when you need it. Use whatever helps you process information accurately and actually get things done.

There is already enough during divorce that can make you question yourself. Struggling with paperwork, deadlines or organization doesn't need to become one more reason to beat yourself up.

The divorce process wasn't designed around the way every brain works. So don't spend your energy trying to force your brain to work differently.

Build a process that works with the way you think.

Divorce, One Step at a Time

If you're reading this and thinking, This is exactly what is happening to me, the last thing I want to do is hand you a giant divorce checklist showing you 50 more things you need to do. So I'm not going to.

I've broken my divorce checklists into smaller pieces so you can work through one at a time.

Start with my free Divorce, One Step at a Time - Start Here Checklist. 

There are more things you'll eventually need to address. They're not on this list on purpose. Finish this one first. When you're ready for the next checklist, I'll tell you how to get it.

One list. One step. Then the next.