There are some moments that change after divorce that may not even cross your mind until you’re right in the middle of them.

For divorced parents of young children, the first day of school can be one of them.

First days are major milestones for kids, but they’re milestones for parents too. Maybe you already have traditions. A special breakfast. Picking out the first-day outfit. Pictures on the front porch holding those little “1st Grade” and “3rd Grade” signs. A treat after school.

Or maybe your kids were too young for school when you divorced, and you're experiencing this milestone for the first time.

As parents, we picture these moments. Walking your son into the kindergarten building for the very first time. Standing at the bus stop. Waiting at pickup to see their face after their big day.

Sometimes, it works out beautifully after divorce. Both parents want the other there. Everyone shows up for the pictures or the bus stop, and for that morning you simply get to be two parents watching your child hit a milestone.

If that's your situation, that's wonderful. Enjoy every second of it.

But that isn't always how it goes.

Now you're divorced, and there's a parenting schedule.

What if it's your parenting time and your child's other parent wants to be there? Are you comfortable with that?

What if it isn't your parenting time and your ex doesn't want you at their house to see your child off?

Or maybe you both agree to be there, but the divorce is still so raw that you're worried the tension between you will ruin the experience for your child.

All of these things happen. And rarely are we prepared for how much they can hurt the first time.

The truth is, first days of school, after divorce may not look the way you once pictured them. Trying desperately to recreate that picture can lead to disappointment for you and possibly stress for your child.

Sometimes you have to let the old picture go.

But you get to create a new one.

And since you're rewriting the story anyway, why not have some fun with it?

One of the hardest things to accept after divorce is that you can't control the actions or behavior of the other parent. If your ex won't include you in the first-day experience, you can argue, negotiate and explain all the reasons you should be there.

Maybe they'll change their mind.

Maybe they won't.

But how much of your energy do you want to give to trying to convince someone who doesn't agree with you?

Instead, think about what you can control.

Maybe the kids are with you the weekend before school starts on Wednesday. Make that your special pre-first-day weekend.

Go shopping for a first-day outfit. Have dinner at their favorite restaurant. Spend one last summer day at the beach and bring dinner for a picnic.

Or create something completely new.

Maybe every year you aren't with them on the first day, you have a First Day Adventure instead. You and the kids make a list of places you'd like to go before they graduate. The week before school starts, pull one out of a hat and go.

Imagine that becoming the tradition they look forward to every year.

It doesn't have to be that. The point is that you can create something that belongs to you and your children.

And the first day of school won't be the last time this happens.

These moments — the things that were so commonplace when you were married that you may not have even thought much about them — will keep popping up.

Your child comes home with a short bob where yesterday there were waist-length curls.

They tell you they went on their first whale watch and how magical it was to see a whale breach.

The first lost tooth.

The moments are endless.

And sometimes they're going to hurt.

Your heart may ache because you weren't there. You may be angry because this isn't what you wanted. You may mourn the version of parenthood you thought you were going to have.

Feel it. Mourn it. Be angry if you're angry.

But then make your plan.

Because if you keep fighting to recreate something that no longer exists, you risk letting that loss take away from your joy — and possibly your kids' joy too.

Letting go isn't always easy. But there's something incredibly freeing about realizing you don't have to spend your energy trying to reason with someone who doesn't agree with you.

You can put that energy somewhere else.

Into creating something that's yours.

A new tradition. A new memory. A new picture of what these milestones can look like.

It won't be the picture you once had in your head.

But it can still be pretty great.

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